Wise words for today...

"At some point, I learned to happen to my days rather than letting my days happen to me."  Ruth Stricker.  As Ruth also said, I will choose this attitude today, "I consider myself a well person in a diseased body.  I could have let myself become a victim...but I am not a victim."
~At


For more of Ruth's story: http://lupusnews.ecndigitaledition.com/magazine.aspx

A Choice to Dance

The choice is clear but so hard to see.  In the midst of a very hard week, I have not seen the choices in front of me.  The fog of shock, fear, and utter frustration have made it difficult for me to see that my journey  involves a choice each day.  Each day as we journey through good and bad or easy and difficult, there is a choice.  Most of us will choose to dance but first we have to see that there is a  choice  to be made.  A choice to believe in hope, to have faith in the unseen.  We have to make a choice to persevere in joy or to mourn in sadness or defeat.  Regardless of how out of control life is, each day has a choice!   

Today I chose to make it through today, not worrying about tomorrow but to have hope that I can do it.  I did not start the day with this attitude but it came just in time.  I chose to look up today when life had me down.   I can live with a chronic disease that has stolen so many hopes and dreams.  I can do it because I know it has given me more insight and empathy into the difficulties of life and to see how hope grows from suffering.  Nothing is harder than living with a disease that continually challenges every day living in ways that are often invisible to those around me but I choose to dance.  I am choosing not to fight it but to dance- at times the dance is a gentle ballet and at other times it is a fighting tango.   I am choosing to live being okay with chronic disease because any other choice would be one of defeat.  Defeat does not allow us to journey for today.  This week I felt defeated- I became idol.  I am choosing to dance.  I am choosing to move with my body- I will move as slow as it needs to go but I will keep moving.  I will keep dancing.  

I cannot make choices for tomorrow because there are enough choices to make in each moment of today.  Today I choose to be okay with my feelings of shock.  I choose to be okay with frustration.  I choose to be okay with these things because I know it is just today and tomorrow I will have the strength to be stronger.  I have been given what I need for today- I can be as strong as I need to be today, and tomorrow I will be given a new strength.  I cannot control my disease but I can control my choice to persevere.  I can choose to be strong when my body is weak.  I can choose to dance. 

Choose strength.  Dance your journey today.  ~AT

P.S.  For those of you who are curious what my burdens have been this week that inspire this post:  About 3 weeks ago I started to develop a very painful rash.  The rash led to inflammation in my hands and elbows, which caused my fingers to curl up and tingling from my elbow through finger tips.  Throbbing pain!  I have had a lot of fatigue in addition to migraines and a lot of dryness in my eyes and mouth.  I also believe I had a seizure this week.  The inflammation in my hands led to a biopsy, which shows a rare inflammatory process of cells invading healthy tissue that causes degeneration and atrophy.  It is consistent with myositis or lupus. I usually do not share  a lot about my physical problems on this blog but perhaps that helps clarify my predicament of having to choose.  I spent much of the week feeling emotionally numb. In a sense my spirit had given up.  Today, I was reminded that I CAN DO THIS.  I have been given the strength I need to get through today.  I cannot control the test results and more frustrating, I cannot control when nor how my symptoms will progress.  I cannot control this pain-- I don't know how much longer this flare-up will last or what else it will stop me from doing.  BUT I have chosen to share my emotions with those I love.  I have chosen to take control over what I can control--- which is surrendering all to draw strength from my Lord Jesus.  In tears he lifted and filled me.  With Love, Anna

COURAGE

Wikipedia: Courage, also known as bravery, fortitude, will, balls, and intrepidity, is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. "Physical courage" is courage in the face of physical pain, hardship, Death, or threat of death, while "moral courage" is the ability to act rightly in the face of popular opposition, shame, scandal, or discouragement.

Choice that is

Opposite of my first reaction and is

Against my instincts but it is a

Race of perseverance. Acting in courage is an

Attitude that spreads. It is only possible with

God's strength. Faith grows out of courage. Courage is a gift with

Eternal rewards for being brave when confronted with fear, pain, risk, uncertainty or intimidation....

Journey with Courage. May we root ourselves in God's grace and power.

~AT

In His Cradle

The past few weeks have not been easy for me physically. I have dealt with each day but I'm not so sure that's living for today. Every now and again I am able to let out my building emotions; emotions expressing how hard it is to carry my 'cross'. It are those moments, at the depth of the valley, I love because then I can be restored to live for today. These words spoke to the depth of my heart tonight. These words will help me live for today...

"However distant and, desolate or dark. The Lord's infinite reach will endeavor to find us. And upon doing so, will cradle, comfort and console.

Living in His Cradle tonight...

~AT

Oh Lord we pray

Help us to trust, in good and bad, that you alone are sovereign.

May we trust your sovereignty.

Reveal your goodness to us in the presence of despair.

Bring healing to our bones and health to our bodies.

Please do not abandon us when fear is upon us.

Lord please bring us hope each day, each moment, each breath.

Bring comfort and strength to carry us.

Oh Lord do not delay.

Come quickly with all of your strength and glory.

My Love,

Anna

Be loose- let the load be carried

So yesterday I got a wonderful massage (now that's living for today) and God blessed me with some beautiful imagery.  As my muscles were very tight, I saw myself carrying a cross up a hill.  It felt extremely heavy and rugged.  Then as my muscles loosened up, I saw Jesus take my cross and he started carrying my it for me.  Then I not only saw him carrying it, I saw him take me and put me on his other shoulder- to bring me up the hill with him.

So the question I ponder today, is not just how I can let Jesus carry my cross, but how can I help others in the same process?  What can we do that lighten the load for our neighbors, co-workers, family, and yes--- our dogs (hehe)?  

March in victory ~AT

Peace

Simple words of inspiration today: "Peace is not the absence of struggle but the presence of love."  Blessings on your journey today- AT

Hear it...Feel it...FACE IT

My words today are simple: we need to hear, feel and face life head on.   My thoughts are an inspiration from a song I heard at church today called 'Headphones' by Jars of Clay. 

The song immediately reminded me of how at times I try to cope by tuning things out. To pretend it doesn't hurt is not coping- it's hiding from the truth.  The world can be a sad place at times. Women all around us are being diagnosed with breast cancer.  There are wars everywhere- young men and women and children dying for what seems so fruitless.    The news is rarely up lifting and drivers can seem ever so rude.  Our reaction- change it?  How can we change it?  Admittedly, at times I feel like no matter how much of a difference I make- it won't matter.  So it's easy to pull the covers over our heads... drowning it with TV...to practice deeds of selfishness instead of feeding the starving...to go numb.  Do we put our headphones on because it's easier to drown out the hurt and pains of this imperfect world that we were not meant to live in?  Numbness does not burn or tingle...it's painless.

However, it also does not bring joy.  I think it's good for all of us to take the headphones off- to give God permission to use us to lift the sadness in the lives of those around us- whether strangers next door or across the globe or our most loved.  God cannot heal our hurts if we choose to remain numb.  The lyrics are below-think on them--- move on them.  Be moved to face the hurt- not alone but with the power of the cross- because from that God will bring joy.  

No headphones! ~AT

Headphones by Jars of Clay

I don’t have to hear it if I don’t want to

I can drown this out, pull the curtains down on you

It’s a heavy world

It’s too much for me to care

If I close my eyes it’s not there

With my headphones on…

 We watch television

But the sound is something else

Just a song played against the drummer so the hurt is never felt

I take in the war fighters

I am chilled by the current events

It is so hopeless but there’s a pop song in my headphones on

With my headphones on…

At the tube stop

You sit down across from me (echo: I can see you)

I think I know you

By the sad eyes that I see

I want to tell you  (echo: it’s a heavy world)

Everything be okay

You wouldn’t hear it (echo: I don’t want to have to hear it)

So we go our separate ways

With our headphones on…

 I don’t want to have to hear it...I don’t want to have to hear it

Surrender to gain control...

Throughout 2009 I have faced a series of events centered around the pain and consequences of various diseases and conditions.  At times it seems so unreal and at other moments, the reality has been more real than I so wish.  

My agenda has been altered despite my resistance to not let my circumstances weaken me even an ounce.   I have been confronted once again by the reality that even with a strong heart, mind, and faith I cannot just ignore my body's signals. As I have faced the reality of being less productive, I have been saddened, mad, and struck with guilt.  I have tried to maintain control by ignoring it--- by marching on- pretending it does not exist.   

Today I received an intervening message that has renewed my perspective- enabled me to journey with joy and hope.  I have again been blessed with the realization that I have been paralyzed with the desire to maintain control over my circumstances.  The secret is to surrender- to yield and confess every area of our lives.  As it says in Mark 8:35, "Whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever  shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's, the same shall save it."

At times God blesses me with the strength to have peace- to be content.  Other times, I admittedly live in a state of trying to maintain control as the wind sweeps and the rain pours upon my heart and body.  I feverishly pray for my hearts desire- for God to calm the storm.  Today, God has lightened the cross I bear by revealing to me once again the secret to victory... surrender, yield, and confess.   

Journey in His Victory

 ~AT 

Hope

It's been a long time since I've written and many have asked for an update. As many of you know, I've started immune suppressant drugs, which has helped me so much. My body feels like it's being repaired from the damage my over active immune system was causing. As I reflect on the year, I see just how much God has carried me and even allowed me to fly with joy.

What carries the human spirit in such times as now? What allows us to fly when our wings are broken? HOPE. Hope is a simple 4-letter word that is endlessly freeing. Christmas is a wonderful time to be reminded of hope. Hope came to us in form of a baby boy. May we see the hope surrounding us during these hard times we face, whether in your own life, your family, or as a nation...HOPE SHALL GUIDE US...Not empty hope- but hope full of faith. "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see," (Hebrews 11). Journey with Hope ~ AT