This is a blog post that I wrote for the blog for the women of Hope Community Church. The blog is called "Raising the Bar" in which we share our stories to encourage each other and hold each other accountable as to how God calls us to "Raise the Bar" in our lives. I have to say that not having blogged in awhile it feels a bit too personal to share, which is odd because for those of you who know me, I tend to share a lot sometimes. I think what I feel is vulnerable. I had thoughts like "what if they think..." Vulnerability is scary but not if we know we are sharing with those who will encourage us and hold us accountable through fellowship and prayer. So in that spirit, I share this with you as well. May we all "Raise the Bar" in 2011!
“Holding on Through Illness”
I have faced a mountain of physical trials in my life of 30 years. It started with being born with a cleft lip and palate but the journey has continued as I battle daily with an autoimmune disease. It is a journey that I would never have wished for, yet through it I have been drawn to God. I have been a witness to God’s faithfulness to do immeasurably more than I ask or imagine as the Holy Spirit works through my pain for Christ’s glory.
My autoimmune disease causes my immune system to attack many systems of my body. It has caused things like partial paresis of my stomach, internal scar tissue to build up, joint inflammation, rashes, circulation problems, and eye problems - and the list goes on. My medication list is about two pages long and includes things like immune suppressants and about 10 pills per meal so I can digest my food. I have had over 30 surgeries, including bilateral hip surgery and most recently in August, I had to have a complete hysterectomy. I have asked God many times, “Why me?” Yet in the thick of tears, as I wonder if he loves me, or if I can persevere once again, he delivers the perfect dose of love and strength. He has called me to grow through such trials - offering my body as a living sacrifice, suffering for his glory. He has called me to “Raise the Bar.” What does “Raising the Bar” look like in the midst of these continuous trials?
Inch by inch God has raised the bar in my life so that I will love him most endearingly: learning to lean on him in the valleys and to dance with him on the mountaintops of life. Raising the bar in my life has meant holding on to the bar as God raises it; and holding on to the bar means I must trust God is holding on to me. This is the core of my journey as a woman who is being sanctified by Christ and surviving on his mercy alone, through the trials of chronic illness and pain, with all the uncertainly of what tomorrow may bring.
I have been near the bottom of the valley with my physical strength stripped away, emotions that have plummeted, and not knowing how to persevere in God’s hope. And it is in those moments that God whispers to me, “Anna, just let me hold on to you!” He raises the bar in my life! He teaches me how to persevere through each trial, giving me the ounce of strength I need to be rooted in Jesus; to surrender my fears and hopes into the cradle of his arms.
In the valley and on the mountaintop, God continues to teach me that I am to live each moment in his presence, in the forgiveness and strength of his love, connected to Him by the Great Counselor, the Holy Spirit. Within His Spirit, I can remain fixed on the vision of heaven, filtering out the ways of the world that distract me from the mission we have been given. It gives me an outward focus, a Christ-centered focus. A constant challenge in dealing with a chronic illness is not becoming inwardly focused and self-centered. And remaining connected to the presence of God within each moment allows me to find much needed rest as I battle with the physical challenges. For in Christ, there is rest for the weary and burdened; I can learn much from His humble and gentle spirit (Matthew 11:28). God has also challenged me lately to share his humble and gentle spirit with others, as it is like a virus that spreads. And that is how I can raise the bar, even with a chronic illness, helping spread the gospel like a wild fire!
In the valley, God has also taught me that a part of journeying for today is not repressing or denying my emotions but surrendering them to Him, trusting Him that healing will come. He has challenged me to not sit idle in pity or pain, but to make a decision to courageously follow him through the trial. In each trial, this has looked different. Sometimes God brings me happiness to dance, while in other trials God shows me that his arms are a cradle ready to comfort and console me. Regardless of how God chooses to bring me through each trial, he continually challenges me to just hold on.
Throughout the circumstances of each trial, God continues to discipline me as a dear daughter so that I may share in his holiness. As Hebrews chapter 12 says,“For in the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” In my desire to be refined, God has disciplined me to spend more time in His Word and to commit His Word to my memory. Since I graduated from college in 2003 I have struggled on multiple occasions to have the same quality time in the Word. This struggle recently resurfaced (became obvious) as I battled with anxiety while recovering from major surgery. In the midst of my recovery, anxiety was beginning to consume my mind at times because I stressed about being away from my extra full-time faculty job for two months and my Ph.D. program. I kept praying that God would come to my rescue but my worries and restlessness kept whirling. Over and over, God brought it to my attention how much more I needed His Word on a daily basis - as I had walked away from that commitment. Every time I read the Word I realized how much more of it I needed in order to stay connected to God! He also put people in my life to remind me of my need! I had simply walked away from it because I just felt content where I was with God. I felt close enough to God. Whoa dangerous! What a big oxymoron- feeling close enough to God! There should have been a big danger sign: “CLIFF AHEAD: EMOTIONS LYING.”
I was relying on myself to be fulfilled with peace. I made excuses like “I’m too tired.” God disciplined me and made it clear that my anxiety was not going to go away if I did not fill my mind with the Word. So I started memorizing verses that helped me. When sin leaves our minds, there is a hole remaining and something must fill it. I finally allowed the hole in my mind to be filled with the Word instead of letting anxiety rush back in. In that instance, my sin was anxiety controlling my life but there are many other things that can take Christ off center stage of my mind. God continues to challenge me to read his Word, to mediate on it, and to memorize it. And boy it is a challenge!
I have spent a lot of time wondering why it is such a challenge for me.
I have a lot of guilt- for which I feel guilty! (haha). I know my struggle spending time with God is a reflection of something deeper in my heart, but at the same time I whole heatedly praise God I am wrestling with this for it is a sign of hope. Hope that he holds my heart captive; he is raising the bar for me and continually giving me the strength to hold on, even if it is just with the tip of one finger some days.
I share my “Raising the Bar” story with you to give witness to God’s character and testimony that we can persevere to raise the bar together. Having a chronic illness keeps me from knowing many of you on an individual level, but please know that I treasure you dearly and hope to grow closer in fellowship. I would dearly covet your prayers. Please pray that I may be armed with the Word so to be empowered to lean on God in the valleys and to walk with him on the mountaintops of life. I pray that His Word may expose the parts of my heart that need to be softened. I pray that God will mend the corners of my heart that I may not even know are hurting from years of trials. It is a hard journey, but I pray for the perseverance to journey centered in Christ for today, despite chronic illness.
Inch by inch God stretches me to “Raise the Bar” so that I will love him most endearingly, leaning on him in the valleys and praising him on the mountaintop. Know that I also pray for you and that God will do immeasurably more, whether in the valley or on the top of the grandest of all mountains for you.
I love you dear brothers and sisters. ~AT
I'm waiting for follow-up on some test results right now to know why I'm having edema in my legs and protein in my urine. I've been restless because I hate waiting! I like to know how I'm moving forward. In praying for peace God made it quite clear to me today that peace comes from his Word. Once again my time in the Word this morning was about how important the Word is. God is driving home the point (thank goodness)! It absolutely blows me away how much he continually pursues us! Crazy man! So after reading my bible, I got out of bed and went to the kitchen where I have a daily flip devotional/verse book. I rarely remember to turn it but today I did :-) 
