Capturing the Heart

Today is about living for what captures the passions of our heart. Life is a process of discovering and learning to answer to the passions God has planted in our hearts. What brings that warm feeling of joy to my heart? Most days I ignore this feeling I have inside of me- a feeling that I have so much passion pent up waiting to be let out. I often say- "in the future." In the future I will write that book- in the future I will start that support group- I will travel the world with my sisters taking pictures- in the future. What about today?

There is so much to do, but what am I most passionate about? I have this overwhelming feeling to help those in need- those going through physical trials- helping the family members that live the experience- and raising public awareness. I want the public to open their eyes to see the beauty in sick children, disabled children and adults, and those battling the epidemic of disease that has flooded our world. Their is so much beauty in what the world labels as defective, disabled, or diseased. I can never pass a sick child in a red wagon in the hospital without the depths of my heart being pulled. When I saw the movie "Pursuit of Happyness," I remember wanting to buy a big house and open it up to the poor- it was such a real feeling.

I never want my heart to dry up- I always want my feelings to be real. When I first started working in the Cleft Palate Clinic, I remember having to use all my strength not to cry in front of families- their stories would tug at my heart- I would hold it together and then loose it as soon as I stepped out of the room. And then I would go home and think about those children- the mothers and fathers- all of the brothers and sisters- the grandparents- neighbors- all impacted in one way or another. I would have this great need to do something but had no idea what to do.

This is a journey and I don't know where it's taking me. Today I will hold on to the thought that it will lead to great places- as long as I answer to the passions God has given me today. There are so many callings- the world is full of need- what shall I answer to for today? AT

Costumes: Look in the Mirror

I have not written recently because I'm afraid that what I have to say right now won't be very positive- maybe more depressing than inspiring. The past few days I have felt indifferent. I'm not sure why because I'm on vacation and surrounded by family right now- doing what I love. Do I feel this lack of emotion because it's been hard physically lately? My medicine hasn't been helping my stomach as much the past 2 weeks, and this is especially frustrating as the holidays revolve a lot around food. Sometimes when I see everyone happy and eating I feel bitter because I want to enjoy food and I keep trying to enjoy it but I hate how it makes me feel. Your body should be able to handle food- it's such a basic biological need. Perhaps I fear what will help me if the medicine stops working. Deep down I fear the medicine is not working because perhaps the disease is progressing. Not that this is the case but that's what my mind has been processing now and again.

Maybe indifference is built up tension from not being honest with myself- or with the world- or with God. I have not been dishonest in big ways- or in ways that I can really recognize. I think we are all dishonest in tiny subtle ways throughout the day that really takes a toll on our character in the long run. I waste energy trying to shield people from the true me. I think we all have someone we are trying to be- sometimes we change in and out of various costumes all day long. I try to wear my best for each occasion. If we wear costumes for too long we loose the chance to live connected to ourselves and those around us. Maybe it's driven by fear or maybe it's an attempt to conserve energy.

Whatever the reason- the way out of costume is to recognize it- to look in the mirror and take off the shields- the armor we place against being hurt or disappointed by people. So I step out of costume to live for today. AT

Merry Christmas

The heart of Christmas is for those who are shipwrecked- lost and in need of grace.  When I'm not feeling well I have heightened awareness of my shipwrecked state.   I pray that each day I reach that state for then I know I have a King and I am rescued.  I look up and see the star shining today and far into the future. Glory shines around this Christmas day!  "Fear not, said ye."   My troubled mind is seized by the King- by the Son who came  in the form of a baby who has conquered all evil.   "Glad tidings of great joy I bring to you and all mankind."  Peace be on earth, let the light be brilliant in our lives- for light always overtakes darkness.   Wise and happy my soul shall be and peace to goodwill.   Merry Christmas today, tomorrow, and all days to come, AT

Seeing Extraodinary in the Ordinary

Today has been a perfect day because it was slow enough to take it all in. I took in each moment; throughout the day I found myself saying out loud, "This day is perfect!" It was full of things I don't normally do, and I'm so glad I got to share it with my sister Katie who lives in Colorado. We ate breakfast at the table instead of on the run, strolled around Lake Calhoun taking in the fresh morning air, and ventured to a new locally owned cafe for lunch in my neighborhood. A mid afternoon nap was also just the needed refresher. It was a day full of ordinary things that ended up being extraordinary.

What makes a day extraordinary? I wish everyday was like today. Is it possible to have a lifetime of extraordinary days? I think it's possible--- I just have to take the time to see the extraordinary in the ordinary--- take the time to see how "everyday people" are extraordinary. It's the ordinary events and the everyday people that made me feel alive today. It's enjoying the simple pleasures and people's kind deeds that blessed me with wonderful contentment despite my physical circumstances today.

Contentment is an amazing gift that I experienced today.
 May I grow to open my arms to it each day. AT

Source of Power

We are misled if we live thinking we are not powerful, yet I believe we are also misled when we do not recognize the source of our power. Life is a process of discovering the source of our power. These are the thoughts that I begin my day reflecting upon. Where have I looked for power this past week?

It has been one week since I learned that I am developing systemic scleroderma. I was originally informed that it was simply localized to my stomach, but when I learned it is probably much more, I felt all the wind being sucked out of my sails. As the news sets in and I work to finish another semester of papers, I have felt my power restored. In what ways am I powerful? What is the source of this power?

It was my natural human reaction to ask people to pray- I needed help. It seemed as though nothing else would work because I felt so empty. As people prayed for God to come and wrap me in the cocoon of his arms I began to feel restored. I felt empowered to love- to laugh- I felt my eternal purpose extend beyond the dying desires of this world.

God has used his power this week to put people in my path that I have needed. He has given people the words to speak that he knew would encourage me to persevere in the face of trial. He has surrounded me with ways to hear his words . He has allowed me to simply be and not to worry about the future. He has given me power through assuring me of a future with him. There is no greater power for me.

How does this great power change today? Perhaps it means putting a smile on my face- a curve that has a simple and peaceful power to straighten things out. I have the power to love. Today I make the choice to surrender myself to a position that allows me to love my brothers and sisters no matter the situation. For true love surpasses all knowledge and empowers me with joy today.

With Joy to journey today. AT

Tomorrow is Many Todays

A benefit of the 20 some pills I am taking is that I am less tired; with the pills has also come some insomnia. Bad? Depends on the view. I was lying awake last night, and while I had many circling thoughts, one stuck. Tomorrow is really just many todays of the future. And today is really just many moments. What am I making of this moment? Am I honest within this moment and the moments that will make up today? If I am honest today, I will be honest for the todays that make up the future.

I have been blessed with many conversations with family and friends. I feel "One Love and the One Destiny." I have tried to forget about the sickness, and when I haven't been able to, I feel "so many right beside me." I have decided that one of the hardest parts of life is connecting with emotions and then expressing emotions when they are so raw. There have also been many moments in which I think I haven't simply just forgotton the sickness, but rather, I have embraced it.

What should be embraced today? What we choose to embrace today will be what we embrace for the todays to come.
 Dance to ONE LOVE. AT

The Wonder and Beauty of Life

I am struck today by an abundance of many wonderful and beautiful things in life. Throughout my journey I have found knowledge to be powerful. I have added some links that have helped me cope through gaining knowledge.

Today I have already realized how many simple things I love. I love the simple fact that I can dance to music every morning in my car and sing, even though I don't have a clue what most of the words are. I am grateful for the simple little phrases that humble me. This morning my dad asked me how many more papers I have to finish this semester (too many) and he replied as usual, "Is it a problem or opportunity?" I always say problem but chuckle at the same time. That chuckle represents me stepping into a position of humility to surrender my fears and pride. I am also in awe of the greater words like Proverbs 3:5-8, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not lean on your own understanding...this will bring health to your body and nourishment to you bones."

So in the simple and great, live, laugh, and love today. AT

Autoimmune Diagnosis

Since I was given the news that I seem to be developing systemic scleroderma, I have been surrounded by many loving, but sad, people. The resounding advice given to me has been to live for today. Although I whole heartedly agree, I have wondered what that looks like. How would my life, aside from my physical health, change if I learned to live for today? How does living for today look different from how I lived yesterday- before the bitter news hit?

I've spent years going to doctors and physical therapists, searching the internet and articles- all in hopes of knowing the cause of my many health ailments. Now I know- it's probably systemic scleroderma (www.scleroderma.org)- I have what I've wanted for years- a diagnosis- and now I feel so empty- scared- depressed- but I have also had moments where I know it's all okay. For now, they will keep it undifferentiated (UCTD) as it could overlap with other autoimmune diseases like lupus and Sjogren's disease.

Will it get easier? What will get easier and what will get harder? In what ways will my quality of life be diminished by disease? That's what I'm fearing right now- the unknown quality of life ahead of me. I suppose it could be a much better journey than I am imagining just 72 hours after being diagnosed- but right now my mind doesn't know how to imagine such good things.

This I do know: I have today and today is what it is. I know how I feel today and today I found ways to smile- I laughed- I felt love and I gave love. I have a bad disease- one that attacks your own body- I know this world is full of bad diseases but I know I have a God that prevails over evil disease. I know that today I know more about living for today than I knew yesterday. So this blog is a way for me to live for today. It will be a journey- but only a journey that unfolds a day at a time.

Thank you for journeying with me today. AT