When I was six I remember asking the doctors why they couldn’t leave me the way God made me. I hated all the doctors always telling me how they could make me prettier- that changed and eventually I wanted to finish my cleft surgeries. But the real question was- why did God make me this way? I didn’t understand why God made me different…. “Didn’t he love me…? Was he mad at me?” These are thoughts that I had repeatedly as a child. I was born with a cleft lip and palate and had failure to thrive. At four months of age- the surgeries started. I remember when my surgeries out numbered my birthdays as a child- and as a teenager. Well, as an adult, my surgeries still outweigh birthdays. I stopped counting them at 31. Since 2009, I have had surgery on both of my hips and about 4 abdominal surgeries. In 2011-2012 I await surgery on both feet and ear surgery and I just had hernia surgery. With the surgeries came many tears and the great question, “Why me God?” As I got older I started to believe that God was using all of these trials to strengthen me, however, I had no proof to back up this up… it was only an idea. I grew up in a home where God's love was vibrant and taught but my church and school did not guide me to search the truth of God's word for myself. Therefore, I never knew exactly what was true and what wasn’t true.
High school was filled with more challenges. Beside surgeries, I spent years in physical therapy for what now looking back was the start of my autoimmune disease. Joint pain was mounting and I developed a circulation disease called, Raynaud's. It did not stop me from doing what I loved though- cross country skiing. Skiing was my life! I had become a state competitor and was captain for 3 years. But God took it away from me so that he could make me stronger. My junior year of high school I spent half of the winter in a walking cast because of joint problems and frost bite and was diagnosed with a circulation disease called Raynaud's, a part of my autoimmune disease. The doctors told me that if I didn’t quit skiing I’d end up in a wheel chair.
Once again I asked, “Why me?” Also that year, 1998, I had the biggest surgery of my life, which was 9 hours long. It was a double jaw surgery and also included bone grafting from my hips to my jaw and so forth. This jaw surgery prepared my mouth to have another surgery six months later…when doctors went in to do that and they discovered that I had lost 40% of the bone they had implanted in my mouth earlier. They did an emergency bone graft and sent me home: once again in tears and wondering what I had done to make God hate me so much.
Then I went off to college. I was very uncertain about it but God wasn’t…. he knew that this is where he’d reveal that he loved me so much that he gave his son for me. This is when he gave me a vision for lifetime ministry. Second semester of my freshman year I joined a bible study with the Navigators… which is strange because when I came to college I had no idea what Christian ministry was. In that bible study God began to change me in a way that I knew it was only him that could do so. For the first time in my life I was taught and believed that the bible is God speaking to me. It may seem insignificant; however, when this piece fell into place so did a lot of other things. I had accepted Christ when I was about 7; however, there were many things I didn’t understand. I didn’t believe God loved me. Often I felt like I had done something wrong and God was punishing me; and therefore, I also thought I might not squeak through the gates of heaven. Realizing that the bible is the one and only truth was the biggest turning point my relationship with God. It allowed me to enter a full relationship with God by having complete assurance that my sins are washed clean through Jesus Christ. Before this turning point I had been living according to my standards of right and wrong. When I realized that the bible is the truth and started reading it- I learned that God’s standards are way higher and that if it weren’t for Christ I would never be right with God, I would not have his peace to carry me through such a journey.
Since I entered a relationship with Christ in the spring of 2000, I can say my life has a journey of authentic joy. You may think it is because I’m done having surgeries and don’t have chronic pain every day- not so much. Since I have been walking with God, the surgeries have continued and the pain has probably gotten worse as my autoimmune disease has progressed.
My autoimmune disease causes my immune system to attack many systems of my body. It has caused things like partial paresis of my stomach, internal scar tissue to build up, joint inflammation, rashes, circulation problems, and eye problems - and the list goes on. My medication list is about two pages long and includes things like immune suppressants and about 10 pills per meal so I can digest/absorb food. Most people ask me, “How does God let this happen to you?” Or people do not understand why I can possibly fully love God when I continue to suffer considerably despite when "he has not healed me." How can a righteous and just God allow such pain?
I do not have all the answers regarding suffering but I know that there is absolutely no way I could survive any of this without God! I also know that God does not cause my suffering, but he is the greatest Comforter and works through it to build character.
If it were not for these trials, I do not think I would be following God with the fullness of my heart. He did not cause my suffering or illness but he has used them to allow me to be comforted by him, to fall in love with him and join him in eternity some day. God has great plans for my life and physically healing will come some day. Until then, he has healed me through the greatest gift of peace and joy.
Through trials God has asked me to claim his promises and he has faithfully delivered. I very special promise to me is Proverbs 3:5-8: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.”
Through trials God has asked me to claim his promises and he has faithfully delivered. I very special promise to me is Proverbs 3:5-8: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.”
That’s my story but…
P.S. When I had my jaw surgery in 1998, 40% of the bone graft failed and unfortunately I had to have several more surgeries to reconstruct my mouth. Before I could finish, I just needed a break. When ready to finish I had to decide to which reconstruction option to proceed with, one required more grafting but would be more sustainable in the long-term, while the other would not require more bone but would be less stable with age. I cried out with all my heart, I was on the floor crying out with all my body to God asking for help. Out of a desperation for guidance that night, I flipped open my bible and he showed me Proverbs 3:5-8. I took that as an answer to prayer and I claimed it as a promise that he would restore my bone if I trusted him. I claimed it and proceeded with bone grafting and my mouth was successfully reconstructed. With time, prayer, and patience I was taught endurance but gained more of a loving trust and the power claiming his promises. God continues to use these verses over and over in my life that I will not understand if I lean on what is in my own line of vision but must lean on God, and he truly does bring healing. His healing comes in all shapes, sizes and when we least expect it. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
However, we so often forget the verse right before it, Jeremiah 29:10: This is what the LORD says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place.
Striving toward God no matter how many years it takes for physical healing on this earth or in the form of a new body, with a complete joy not lacking because of Christ's peace in all circumstances. The only thing I cannot survive is not having Christ.
Anna
Verses to look at if you are interested in what Christ did for you:
None of us are perfect! Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God
In order to be in a relationship with God, to spend eternity with God, we must be without sin. God can’t lower his standard! We will all be judged- we will be given a death sentence for not being perfect- for every sin- and the debt must be paid in full. Romans 6:23: For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
That’s right- We will all be judged- even if it was one little white lie or not feeding the children of Africa- or not taking care of the earth- we don’t measure up to God’s righteousness. We all deserve death and we cannot do enough to make up for it- there is always more sin: But Christ gives us eternity. It was a GIFT!! We have to accept the gift- we cannot earn it. Ephesians 2:8-9: For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.
Christ came to suffer, he took on all of our sin so that we can be adopted into the family of Christ. If you say “yes” you become forever one of his. John 1:12: Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God
All you have to do is tell God “Yes- Lord I am broken because of sin. I deserve to die but want to live in Christ. I want to follow you. I want to love you forever and ever. Amen.
And there are no ifs ands or buts” You are his forever. 1 John 5:13: “Very truly I tell you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be judged but has crossed over from death to life.
