My Recovery Road...

Preparing and recovering from my hysterectomy that was in August has been a journey of patience in the physical, emotional, and spiritual realms.   This decision was not made lightly but ultimately was needed to bring better health to treat my autoimmune fibrosis and endometriosis. After yearly laparoscopies and many medications it was time.


Physically I have healed slowly but steadily with some minor complications but clearly with God's hands upon me.  My bladder was perforated during surgery but continues to heal well.  I have bulging discs in my neck that have flared up, along with my other autoimmune joint issues, but I feel stronger each week. Please pray that God would help me sleep at night so that my energy can be restored! Pray also as I go back to work soon.  The biggest blessing has been that all of the pathology from surgery came back showing no recurrence of the autoimmune fibrosis.  It was all endometriosis which means the immunosuppression drugs are doing their job taking care of a scary disease!  I have praised God from the depths of my heart more than I have in years!  


My emotions and spiritual life are so connected and a journey it has been.  God has surrounded me with loving people who take care of me, pray for me and offer great wisdom and teaching as I seek to heal and grow during this time.  God has reminded me that in order to get something out of my mind, such as anxiety or fear, I must replace it with something.  For me that has been the Word! Through memorizing his Word and time with him he continues to bless me with knowledge of his ways and character.  He blows me away with how big he is and his masterful ways.   In closing, let me express my gratitude to him for my road toward recovery... 


Dearest Father, 
How big you are!  You are a lot bigger than I ever remember!  You are sovereign and in control; orchestrating our lives, orchestrating your perfect plan, using all good and evil.  You are gentle and humble in heart.  Thank you for letting me come and rest in you.  May I learn from you.  May I be gentle and humble; may I let others come to me and be a source of your love.  Thank you for your peace Father God.  I surrender my fears to you.  My wounds you have healed.  I lean on your ways.  
In love,
Yours


Journey Now ~AT

Companionship

There is something simply beautiful that God meets us right where we are no matter where we are or who we are.  No matter how high or low, clean or dirty, strong or weak, he awaits.  He knows where we have been and he knows where we will go.  

Companionship!  

I was humbly struck yesterday by God's sovereignty; he is the almighty, most powerful ruler over all nations.  Yet he stands waiting to be a part of my daily life.  There's nothing complicated about it- just invite him in today- invite him in to the moment.  He won't intrude.  There's no grand plan needed- there's no 12 steps or "perfect timing".   Not tomorrow!  Journey today as his companion!   ~AT

Rooted in the Moment

To "Journey for Today" takes strength, it requires deep roots stabilizing our body, mind, and spirit to the Truth within each  moment from the rising to the setting of the sun.  Each day, each moment, we must move with intentionality in order to resonate the core of what sustains us.  As humans, we are weak branches blown this way and that way by the wind of our emotions or the feelings of the moment. Even if we want to be strong; we are weak.  But in Christ, we are strong! He is the solid trunk that we must stay attached to.  

Perseverance means that no matter what we face, we must strive to continually stop and ground ourselves in the moment, to live in communion with Christ, guided by the Holy Spirit, exalting our King. My illness can cause a lot of difficulties.  I have daily pain- some days it is easy to tolerate while other days it is very difficult.  I have a headache or migraine every day.  I have had tendonitis in every joint- and usually have it in at least one joint.  I cannot eat a full meal without throwing up and take about 20 pills a day to eat.  The list goes on.  Chronic illness can be consuming.  Even if you don't have a chronic illness, I'm sure there is something in your life that consumes your energy, your thoughts.  We all get distracted from what really matters! 

My illness can overwhelm the present moment with undesirable trials, but by connecting to the present (instead of wishing it away) I am filled with the strength of Christ and the Holy Spirit to feel, see, and hear so many other things that are within that same moment besides difficulties. The rainbow is brighter than the clouds.  Each moment of the day, may we rely on the strength of Christ.  Try walking and imagining the ground being the support of Christ- your whole body is supported by it.  Feel that support up through your whole body, infusing your mind, polishing your heart and blessing others.  

May we stand firmly in that strength, forgiven and living connected to the guiding strength of our Great Counselor, Holy Spirit.   May we connect our entire beings, including our breath, to Christ for healing, to live in the moment, to be polished and refined.  As Joni Aareckson Tada (1993) quotes Edwin Hatch, 

"Breath on me, breathe on me, 

Holy Spirit, breathe on me

Take thou my heart, cleanse ev'ry part, 

Holly Spirit, breathe on me."

We have been chosen and delivered!  He has given us the strength to persevere! For each moment of today  ~AT

A "thanks for today" to all of the fathers, especially my dad, who has blessed me with insight into the love of my heavenly Father.  Thank you for your endless love.  You have taught me about love.  You have shown me so much and I love to laugh and dance with you.  And to the father of my niece, Story, who is quite amazing.  Here they are demonstrating their fun loving spirits!!!  

A song to sing...

Today I am thankful that God blesses me with a joyful heart in the morning.  In the morning when I wake up, I like to sing.   My heart is bouncing with joy and energy in the morning. What a beautiful day...


Psalm 47:6-7:   Sing praises to God, sing praises; sing praises to our Kind, sing praises.  God is the king of all the earth; sing to him a psalm of praise. God reigns over the nations (and each moment of today-  each piece of happiness or struggle within the moment of today).


Clap your hands, move within the moment praising God for the pure joy of life ~  Pass it on ~AT

The World Around Us

I spent another day at the Mayo Clinic with tests for my stomach underway.  This morning I was struck with appreciation for little things; my perspective was planted in the moment with gratitude for so many things.  As the day continued, my heart went up and down as I watched patients come in and out hooked up for chemotherapy.  I was struck by the strength of people and humbled by stories I was able to hear throughout the day from people from so far away.  As the day progressed my heart became burdened with how many people have cancer (and the list of diseases goes on).  I started to feel the world collapse in with sadness.  By evening, I actually became quite crabby (good thing I was alone).  

Then I heard God speak to me.  "Focus on me."  "Look at the world through my eyes."  I went down stairs in the hotel lobby to read my bible.  I had my i-Pod on and heard a song that I was meant to hear.  It was "Stop the World" by Matthew West.  It expresses part of what was on  my heart today as I watched so many people battling cancer.  

A million distractions stealing my heart from you. I'm tired and empty; life is relentless.  It weakens my knees and breaks my defenses. It's wearing me down and I'm desperate to hear from you. Stop the world- I want to get out.  I need to escape from this crowd just to hear you.  Speak to me.  I need do be still before I make a move.  I need to be humble with nothing to prove. I need your word to show me the truth.  I need time, precious time. 

Stop the world, I want to get out.  I need an escape away from this crowd just to hear you.  Speak to me. Stop the world, I'm ready to listen. Give me a vision of heaven that I can hold on to. Stop the world, I need some time with you.  Before I can find my voice, I need to hear your above all this noise.  Stop the world, I need to be with you. 

When living for today, we must not follow the crowd- we have to step away for a new perspective- a God's perspective of love and hope.  In him, the world is not about illness; it's about how Christ has healed all illness for once and all.  It's not about us having to fight and be strong; it's about Christ's strength in us.  After I heard this song, I felt strong and I saw hope for people. 

In the world, life is all about us but with a vision of heaven, life all about Christ.  May we empower each other to live today with that vision.  May we find time to escape to spend time listening to His voice so we know how to move through the crowd- so we know how to filter the distractions.  For tonight, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28.    


Rest well for tomorrow is a new day to live for today!  ~AT

Joy for Today

There are many things throughout life that can make it difficult to find happiness; for me it is chronic illness.  What is it for you?  Are there feelings that take over such as loneliness, stress, or fear?  Are there things that make you "live for tomorrow" instead of "living for today"?  Chronic illness may rob happiness at times but it cannot steal an ounce of joy for my joy is the fruit of the Spirit.  Journeying for today is about joy. 

Journeying for today means letting the Lord reign over my decisions, my attitude, my body. I cannot let my self-centered desires or sinful passions take lordship.  Over and over along my journey I have had to learn not to deny or repress my feelings.  I used to think I was dealing with my emotions surrounding my health by saying, "At least I am not dying... at least I don't have..."   God finally showed me (or I finally listened) that I was using those statements as a way to repress or mask my anger and fears.  God has blessed me over the years with the knowledge to not hide my feelings but to express them to him, to take them to the foot of the cross for healing.  It is still a process but he faithfully leads me.  

I believe I have been fully healed by my Father but becoming well is a process for me.  I continue to cherish all of your prayers and know that the Father will continue to bring health to all parts of me.  Every single day, I praise God for the gift he has given me to journey with hope through difficult physical battles.  I pray that we would all continue to learn how to rely on the Holy Spirit- to be tuned into how we can journey for today.  May we let God  hammer away the parts of our hearts that have hardened and mend the corners of our hearts that are broken.  Ever so gently or as hard as needed, as little or as often as needed.  

It is not easy but this is how we can come to living in the fullness of joy God intends.  We do not have to live just for tomorrow.  Here's the challenge: don't  mask symptoms of sin that block love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.    

Now that is Living for TODAY.  ~AT

Update:  Today was my first consult at the Mayo Clinic.  I will be having many tests over the next week.  Please pray for safety during the tests and that the test results would bring new knowledge to guide the treatment of my autoimmune disease.  With deep gratitude I covet your prayers and love, Anna

Wise words for today...

"At some point, I learned to happen to my days rather than letting my days happen to me."  Ruth Stricker.  As Ruth also said, I will choose this attitude today, "I consider myself a well person in a diseased body.  I could have let myself become a victim...but I am not a victim."
~At


For more of Ruth's story: http://lupusnews.ecndigitaledition.com/magazine.aspx

A Choice to Dance

The choice is clear but so hard to see.  In the midst of a very hard week, I have not seen the choices in front of me.  The fog of shock, fear, and utter frustration have made it difficult for me to see that my journey  involves a choice each day.  Each day as we journey through good and bad or easy and difficult, there is a choice.  Most of us will choose to dance but first we have to see that there is a  choice  to be made.  A choice to believe in hope, to have faith in the unseen.  We have to make a choice to persevere in joy or to mourn in sadness or defeat.  Regardless of how out of control life is, each day has a choice!   

Today I chose to make it through today, not worrying about tomorrow but to have hope that I can do it.  I did not start the day with this attitude but it came just in time.  I chose to look up today when life had me down.   I can live with a chronic disease that has stolen so many hopes and dreams.  I can do it because I know it has given me more insight and empathy into the difficulties of life and to see how hope grows from suffering.  Nothing is harder than living with a disease that continually challenges every day living in ways that are often invisible to those around me but I choose to dance.  I am choosing not to fight it but to dance- at times the dance is a gentle ballet and at other times it is a fighting tango.   I am choosing to live being okay with chronic disease because any other choice would be one of defeat.  Defeat does not allow us to journey for today.  This week I felt defeated- I became idol.  I am choosing to dance.  I am choosing to move with my body- I will move as slow as it needs to go but I will keep moving.  I will keep dancing.  

I cannot make choices for tomorrow because there are enough choices to make in each moment of today.  Today I choose to be okay with my feelings of shock.  I choose to be okay with frustration.  I choose to be okay with these things because I know it is just today and tomorrow I will have the strength to be stronger.  I have been given what I need for today- I can be as strong as I need to be today, and tomorrow I will be given a new strength.  I cannot control my disease but I can control my choice to persevere.  I can choose to be strong when my body is weak.  I can choose to dance. 

Choose strength.  Dance your journey today.  ~AT

P.S.  For those of you who are curious what my burdens have been this week that inspire this post:  About 3 weeks ago I started to develop a very painful rash.  The rash led to inflammation in my hands and elbows, which caused my fingers to curl up and tingling from my elbow through finger tips.  Throbbing pain!  I have had a lot of fatigue in addition to migraines and a lot of dryness in my eyes and mouth.  I also believe I had a seizure this week.  The inflammation in my hands led to a biopsy, which shows a rare inflammatory process of cells invading healthy tissue that causes degeneration and atrophy.  It is consistent with myositis or lupus. I usually do not share  a lot about my physical problems on this blog but perhaps that helps clarify my predicament of having to choose.  I spent much of the week feeling emotionally numb. In a sense my spirit had given up.  Today, I was reminded that I CAN DO THIS.  I have been given the strength I need to get through today.  I cannot control the test results and more frustrating, I cannot control when nor how my symptoms will progress.  I cannot control this pain-- I don't know how much longer this flare-up will last or what else it will stop me from doing.  BUT I have chosen to share my emotions with those I love.  I have chosen to take control over what I can control--- which is surrendering all to draw strength from my Lord Jesus.  In tears he lifted and filled me.  With Love, Anna

COURAGE

Wikipedia: Courage, also known as bravery, fortitude, will, balls, and intrepidity, is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. "Physical courage" is courage in the face of physical pain, hardship, Death, or threat of death, while "moral courage" is the ability to act rightly in the face of popular opposition, shame, scandal, or discouragement.

Choice that is

Opposite of my first reaction and is

Against my instincts but it is a

Race of perseverance. Acting in courage is an

Attitude that spreads. It is only possible with

God's strength. Faith grows out of courage. Courage is a gift with

Eternal rewards for being brave when confronted with fear, pain, risk, uncertainty or intimidation....

Journey with Courage. May we root ourselves in God's grace and power.

~AT

In His Cradle

The past few weeks have not been easy for me physically. I have dealt with each day but I'm not so sure that's living for today. Every now and again I am able to let out my building emotions; emotions expressing how hard it is to carry my 'cross'. It are those moments, at the depth of the valley, I love because then I can be restored to live for today. These words spoke to the depth of my heart tonight. These words will help me live for today...

"However distant and, desolate or dark. The Lord's infinite reach will endeavor to find us. And upon doing so, will cradle, comfort and console.

Living in His Cradle tonight...

~AT