I have not written recently because I'm afraid that what I have to say right now won't be very positive- maybe more depressing than inspiring. The past few days I have felt indifferent. I'm not sure why because I'm on vacation and surrounded by family right now- doing what I love. Do I feel this lack of emotion because it's been hard physically lately? My medicine hasn't been helping my stomach as much the past 2 weeks, and this is especially frustrating as the holidays revolve a lot around food. Sometimes when I see everyone happy and eating I feel bitter because I want to enjoy food and I keep trying to enjoy it but I hate how it makes me feel. Your body should be able to handle food- it's such a basic biological need. Perhaps I fear what will help me if the medicine stops working. Deep down I fear the medicine is not working because perhaps the disease is progressing. Not that this is the case but that's what my mind has been processing now and again.
Maybe indifference is built up tension from not being honest with myself- or with the world- or with God. I have not been dishonest in big ways- or in ways that I can really recognize. I think we are all dishonest in tiny subtle ways throughout the day that really takes a toll on our character in the long run. I waste energy trying to shield people from the true me. I think we all have someone we are trying to be- sometimes we change in and out of various costumes all day long. I try to wear my best for each occasion. If we wear costumes for too long we loose the chance to live connected to ourselves and those around us. Maybe it's driven by fear or maybe it's an attempt to conserve energy.
Whatever the reason- the way out of costume is to recognize it- to look in the mirror and take off the shields- the armor we place against being hurt or disappointed by people. So I step out of costume to live for today. AT
