Since I was given the news that I seem to be developing systemic scleroderma, I have been surrounded by many loving, but sad, people. The resounding advice given to me has been to live for today. Although I whole heartedly agree, I have wondered what that looks like. How would my life, aside from my physical health, change if I learned to live for today? How does living for today look different from how I lived yesterday- before the bitter news hit?
I've spent years going to doctors and physical therapists, searching the internet and articles- all in hopes of knowing the cause of my many health ailments. Now I know- it's probably systemic scleroderma (www.scleroderma.org)- I have what I've wanted for years- a diagnosis- and now I feel so empty- scared- depressed- but I have also had moments where I know it's all okay. For now, they will keep it undifferentiated (UCTD) as it could overlap with other autoimmune diseases like lupus and Sjogren's disease.
Will it get easier? What will get easier and what will get harder? In what ways will my quality of life be diminished by disease? That's what I'm fearing right now- the unknown quality of life ahead of me. I suppose it could be a much better journey than I am imagining just 72 hours after being diagnosed- but right now my mind doesn't know how to imagine such good things.
This I do know: I have today and today is what it is. I know how I feel today and today I found ways to smile- I laughed- I felt love and I gave love. I have a bad disease- one that attacks your own body- I know this world is full of bad diseases but I know I have a God that prevails over evil disease. I know that today I know more about living for today than I knew yesterday. So this blog is a way for me to live for today. It will be a journey- but only a journey that unfolds a day at a time.
Thank you for journeying with me today. AT
