His Pain: My Gain

Nothing has been more sustaining than God's words and the people that surround me- so full of love. This love is visible if I stop and take it in.  Taking love in is a choice.  I have gone through a lot of trials lately but he continues to sustain me.  Today is a perfect example of how he gives me just what I need to know that I have been healed. I continue to pray for full physical healing, if it is is his will, but in the meantime, he has given me peace.  Thank you for your prayers and ALL of your actions of love.  Here are His words that brought such peace today:

He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross, so that, free from sins, we might live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been freed.    
I Peter 2:24 NRSV

So with no shame, guilt, or pain I run full of mercy and grace.  Despite pain today, I celebrate all of the freedom I have by shouting and singing at the top of my lungs in the car to a crazy song about love and some disco!

Simple fun and great grace.
Journey for today in each moment.
Love in Him,
~Anna

The Word...

10 Tips for a Successful Bible-in-a-Year Reading Discipline.

Here are some great tips for successfully reading the bible from Paul Ireland who attends Hope Community Church.  I think what resonates for me is journaling and praying because it takes away the legalistic attitude I so easily develop out of reading the Word when I'm aiming to be disciplined about reading it. My 2011 isn't reading the whole bible but reading it daily. And most importantly, meeting Jesus each day in that time. May we all respond to what we read.

Kind of a cool story about how God spoke to me about the Word today...

I'm waiting for follow-up on some test results right now to know why I'm having edema in my legs and protein in my urine. I've been restless because I hate waiting! I like to know how I'm moving forward. In praying for peace God made it quite clear to me today that peace comes from his Word. Once again my time in the Word this morning was about how important the Word is. God is driving home the point (thank goodness)! It absolutely blows me away how much he continually pursues us! Crazy man! So after reading my bible, I got out of bed and went to the kitchen where I have a daily flip devotional/verse book. I rarely remember to turn it but today I did :-)

Sure enough it was the perfect message. And God speaks!! "Are storms in your life making you afraid? You can have peace despite the storms. Stay close to Jesus Christ. Read God's Word. Pray."  Isaiah 26:3 "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee"

In His Peace,

AT

The World Around Us

I spent another day at the Mayo Clinic with tests for my stomach underway.  This morning I was struck with appreciation for little things; my perspective was planted in the moment with gratitude for so many things.  As the day continued, my heart went up and down as I watched patients come in and out hooked up for chemotherapy.  I was struck by the strength of people and humbled by stories I was able to hear throughout the day from people from so far away.  As the day progressed my heart became burdened with how many people have cancer (and the list of diseases goes on).  I started to feel the world collapse in with sadness.  By evening, I actually became quite crabby (good thing I was alone).  

Then I heard God speak to me.  "Focus on me."  "Look at the world through my eyes."  I went down stairs in the hotel lobby to read my bible.  I had my i-Pod on and heard a song that I was meant to hear.  It was "Stop the World" by Matthew West.  It expresses part of what was on  my heart today as I watched so many people battling cancer.  

A million distractions stealing my heart from you. I'm tired and empty; life is relentless.  It weakens my knees and breaks my defenses. It's wearing me down and I'm desperate to hear from you. Stop the world- I want to get out.  I need to escape from this crowd just to hear you.  Speak to me.  I need do be still before I make a move.  I need to be humble with nothing to prove. I need your word to show me the truth.  I need time, precious time. 

Stop the world, I want to get out.  I need an escape away from this crowd just to hear you.  Speak to me. Stop the world, I'm ready to listen. Give me a vision of heaven that I can hold on to. Stop the world, I need some time with you.  Before I can find my voice, I need to hear your above all this noise.  Stop the world, I need to be with you. 

When living for today, we must not follow the crowd- we have to step away for a new perspective- a God's perspective of love and hope.  In him, the world is not about illness; it's about how Christ has healed all illness for once and all.  It's not about us having to fight and be strong; it's about Christ's strength in us.  After I heard this song, I felt strong and I saw hope for people. 

In the world, life is all about us but with a vision of heaven, life all about Christ.  May we empower each other to live today with that vision.  May we find time to escape to spend time listening to His voice so we know how to move through the crowd- so we know how to filter the distractions.  For tonight, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28.    


Rest well for tomorrow is a new day to live for today!  ~AT

Wise words for today...

"At some point, I learned to happen to my days rather than letting my days happen to me."  Ruth Stricker.  As Ruth also said, I will choose this attitude today, "I consider myself a well person in a diseased body.  I could have let myself become a victim...but I am not a victim."
~At


For more of Ruth's story: http://lupusnews.ecndigitaledition.com/magazine.aspx

A Choice to Dance

The choice is clear but so hard to see.  In the midst of a very hard week, I have not seen the choices in front of me.  The fog of shock, fear, and utter frustration have made it difficult for me to see that my journey  involves a choice each day.  Each day as we journey through good and bad or easy and difficult, there is a choice.  Most of us will choose to dance but first we have to see that there is a  choice  to be made.  A choice to believe in hope, to have faith in the unseen.  We have to make a choice to persevere in joy or to mourn in sadness or defeat.  Regardless of how out of control life is, each day has a choice!   

Today I chose to make it through today, not worrying about tomorrow but to have hope that I can do it.  I did not start the day with this attitude but it came just in time.  I chose to look up today when life had me down.   I can live with a chronic disease that has stolen so many hopes and dreams.  I can do it because I know it has given me more insight and empathy into the difficulties of life and to see how hope grows from suffering.  Nothing is harder than living with a disease that continually challenges every day living in ways that are often invisible to those around me but I choose to dance.  I am choosing not to fight it but to dance- at times the dance is a gentle ballet and at other times it is a fighting tango.   I am choosing to live being okay with chronic disease because any other choice would be one of defeat.  Defeat does not allow us to journey for today.  This week I felt defeated- I became idol.  I am choosing to dance.  I am choosing to move with my body- I will move as slow as it needs to go but I will keep moving.  I will keep dancing.  

I cannot make choices for tomorrow because there are enough choices to make in each moment of today.  Today I choose to be okay with my feelings of shock.  I choose to be okay with frustration.  I choose to be okay with these things because I know it is just today and tomorrow I will have the strength to be stronger.  I have been given what I need for today- I can be as strong as I need to be today, and tomorrow I will be given a new strength.  I cannot control my disease but I can control my choice to persevere.  I can choose to be strong when my body is weak.  I can choose to dance. 

Choose strength.  Dance your journey today.  ~AT

P.S.  For those of you who are curious what my burdens have been this week that inspire this post:  About 3 weeks ago I started to develop a very painful rash.  The rash led to inflammation in my hands and elbows, which caused my fingers to curl up and tingling from my elbow through finger tips.  Throbbing pain!  I have had a lot of fatigue in addition to migraines and a lot of dryness in my eyes and mouth.  I also believe I had a seizure this week.  The inflammation in my hands led to a biopsy, which shows a rare inflammatory process of cells invading healthy tissue that causes degeneration and atrophy.  It is consistent with myositis or lupus. I usually do not share  a lot about my physical problems on this blog but perhaps that helps clarify my predicament of having to choose.  I spent much of the week feeling emotionally numb. In a sense my spirit had given up.  Today, I was reminded that I CAN DO THIS.  I have been given the strength I need to get through today.  I cannot control the test results and more frustrating, I cannot control when nor how my symptoms will progress.  I cannot control this pain-- I don't know how much longer this flare-up will last or what else it will stop me from doing.  BUT I have chosen to share my emotions with those I love.  I have chosen to take control over what I can control--- which is surrendering all to draw strength from my Lord Jesus.  In tears he lifted and filled me.  With Love, Anna

The Choice

Today I'm borrowing wisdom from my favorite book, "You Gotta Keep Dancin'" by Tim Hansel. I've had some hurdles to jump lately and need more wisdom if I'm going to jump.

I've come to learn over many years of chronic illness that the journey is full of humps that can be hard. My humps have been "looking for the magic cure," "cautiously living," "seeking symptom suppression," "existing from one doctor appointment to the next." I'm thankful these humps are infrequent but they are still hard to crawl over when they come up. What humps are you crawling over? What do we need to let Jesus carry us over?

A cheerful heart is the best medicine, and I have to bite the bullet and get out of the cycle of fear and cautious panic. It's easy to be living with low-grade discouragement and not realize it. But I've realized it and that I praise God for---because realizing it is the first step toward living in joy for today.

No matter what kind of pain it is- physical, emotional, spiritual- pain can intercept our hopes and plans- it can rearrange our dreams and always leaves a mark. We cannot change the circumstances but we can change our response.

Happiness is a feeling that depends on circumstances- our health can depend on somebody else- but we have a choice--- to have joy--- joy is an attitude that can triumph through our circumstances.

Biting the bullet to live in joy for TODAY! Lord Jesus, carry us in joy. AT

Humbled

Today, I was thinking about how I wish I had a different body--- a body that would run- one that did not ache. A new body is something I look forward to in heaven but what can I learn here and now--- today? Today I thank God for humbling me and pray that he gives me the strength to have a grateful heart each day. I long for heaven but live for today--- today I walk as a humbled human. Oh how different our see through  humble eyes today.

What do your eyes see today? Humbly looking ~ AT

Risk Builds Faith

I'm embarking on a journey today- a 30 day challenge. I'm taking a risk to deepen my walk with God. There are some good shows on TV, but I'm stepping out on a 30 day journey- a challenge- of no TV. I could get quite bored or maybe even lonely without the noise- but I want to try and use my free time to get more in touch with God- more in touch with His purpose for my life. Instead of spending hours listening to the TV at night to drown out the world- to drown out the hurt- I want to run to God in this season of suffering. I want to face my fears- face my pain.

It's been hard for me to see God's purpose in the suffering lately, but I'm convinced that He will bless me with His presence in the next 30 days. I've chosen 30 days because that's when the doctors expect to know more about what's going on with my liver- I've decided that at the end of 30 days I don't just want test results- I want to be a stronger woman of faith!

What are we to gain if we never step out in faith? God gives us the faith we need to take the next step in our journey- what is your next step? What is God asking you to face? How are you to face it- what do you need to risk?

With TV now in storage--- Risking to build faith ~AT

Waiting produces character

The past month or more has been a time of endless waiting for me. Not too much about my physical condition worries me but waiting is something that continues to be God's ultimate challenge to me. For the past few months my liver function tests have been abnormal so I have gone through a series of many tests, and currently I am waiting to find out if I need a biopsy. Whether or not those around me can tell or not- it has been a time of great agony.

Waiting is something that has sort of paralyzed me into a state of self-absorption. I have tuned out most of the world around me at times to just wait. I have just come to remember that waiting produces character- regardless of it being good or bad-waiting can change us.

I believe we have a choice as to what our character becomes  during times of waiting. We are probably all waiting for something at any given time. During this time of waiting, I can choose to let it be a time of leaning on God through trust and become a stronger person, or I can choose to sit miserably waiting and become so very discontent.

When given a choice- it becomes obvious- trust I choose. I am not sure how to lean on God right now- but I am trusting that as long as I have decided to trust-- God will show me how.

May waiting be a blessing- AT

Surrendering Worry

I've spent the last few weeks worrying about something that I cannot really identify. I've asked God to simply come and meet me where I am. A lot of my confusion revolves around the complex nature of medicine and the human body. When I first saw the doctor, I thought scleroderma explained everything, but now I realize that it's a difficult diagnosis to make and they cannot be for certain. I just want them to be able to explain everything, which isn't possible. So I'm wrestling with a bigger question- what would really change about my life if they could explain everything? I want them to be able to tell me what my future holds in regard to health, which they cannot do even if they could explain everything. I'm back to square one- how do I live for today?

God is the only one that knows the future and understands the human body as he created it. He knows the purpose behind my sufferings and my joys. God has met me where I am today through the writings in a daily devotional magazine. The benefits of God's words are explained in psalm 119, "the word of God revives, teaches, gives understanding, strength and direction. So I will, "Cling to your testimonies; O Lord, do not put me to shame! I will run the course of Your commandments. (Psalm 119:31-32)." I come to God and ask, how do I live today in a way that fulfills your purpose in all of this? What is your purpose in my joys and sufferings?

Today I will follow the words of a wise man who said, "You'll go forth a little stronger, with a fresh supply of grace, if each day you meet the savior in a secret, quiet place." Perhaps in the secret quiet place with Jesus I can surrender my worry.

Surrendering, AT