His Pain: My Gain

Nothing has been more sustaining than God's words and the people that surround me- so full of love. This love is visible if I stop and take it in.  Taking love in is a choice.  I have gone through a lot of trials lately but he continues to sustain me.  Today is a perfect example of how he gives me just what I need to know that I have been healed. I continue to pray for full physical healing, if it is is his will, but in the meantime, he has given me peace.  Thank you for your prayers and ALL of your actions of love.  Here are His words that brought such peace today:

He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross, so that, free from sins, we might live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been freed.    
I Peter 2:24 NRSV

So with no shame, guilt, or pain I run full of mercy and grace.  Despite pain today, I celebrate all of the freedom I have by shouting and singing at the top of my lungs in the car to a crazy song about love and some disco!

Simple fun and great grace.
Journey for today in each moment.
Love in Him,
~Anna

A Choice to Dance

The choice is clear but so hard to see.  In the midst of a very hard week, I have not seen the choices in front of me.  The fog of shock, fear, and utter frustration have made it difficult for me to see that my journey  involves a choice each day.  Each day as we journey through good and bad or easy and difficult, there is a choice.  Most of us will choose to dance but first we have to see that there is a  choice  to be made.  A choice to believe in hope, to have faith in the unseen.  We have to make a choice to persevere in joy or to mourn in sadness or defeat.  Regardless of how out of control life is, each day has a choice!   

Today I chose to make it through today, not worrying about tomorrow but to have hope that I can do it.  I did not start the day with this attitude but it came just in time.  I chose to look up today when life had me down.   I can live with a chronic disease that has stolen so many hopes and dreams.  I can do it because I know it has given me more insight and empathy into the difficulties of life and to see how hope grows from suffering.  Nothing is harder than living with a disease that continually challenges every day living in ways that are often invisible to those around me but I choose to dance.  I am choosing not to fight it but to dance- at times the dance is a gentle ballet and at other times it is a fighting tango.   I am choosing to live being okay with chronic disease because any other choice would be one of defeat.  Defeat does not allow us to journey for today.  This week I felt defeated- I became idol.  I am choosing to dance.  I am choosing to move with my body- I will move as slow as it needs to go but I will keep moving.  I will keep dancing.  

I cannot make choices for tomorrow because there are enough choices to make in each moment of today.  Today I choose to be okay with my feelings of shock.  I choose to be okay with frustration.  I choose to be okay with these things because I know it is just today and tomorrow I will have the strength to be stronger.  I have been given what I need for today- I can be as strong as I need to be today, and tomorrow I will be given a new strength.  I cannot control my disease but I can control my choice to persevere.  I can choose to be strong when my body is weak.  I can choose to dance. 

Choose strength.  Dance your journey today.  ~AT

P.S.  For those of you who are curious what my burdens have been this week that inspire this post:  About 3 weeks ago I started to develop a very painful rash.  The rash led to inflammation in my hands and elbows, which caused my fingers to curl up and tingling from my elbow through finger tips.  Throbbing pain!  I have had a lot of fatigue in addition to migraines and a lot of dryness in my eyes and mouth.  I also believe I had a seizure this week.  The inflammation in my hands led to a biopsy, which shows a rare inflammatory process of cells invading healthy tissue that causes degeneration and atrophy.  It is consistent with myositis or lupus. I usually do not share  a lot about my physical problems on this blog but perhaps that helps clarify my predicament of having to choose.  I spent much of the week feeling emotionally numb. In a sense my spirit had given up.  Today, I was reminded that I CAN DO THIS.  I have been given the strength I need to get through today.  I cannot control the test results and more frustrating, I cannot control when nor how my symptoms will progress.  I cannot control this pain-- I don't know how much longer this flare-up will last or what else it will stop me from doing.  BUT I have chosen to share my emotions with those I love.  I have chosen to take control over what I can control--- which is surrendering all to draw strength from my Lord Jesus.  In tears he lifted and filled me.  With Love, Anna

The Choice

Today I'm borrowing wisdom from my favorite book, "You Gotta Keep Dancin'" by Tim Hansel. I've had some hurdles to jump lately and need more wisdom if I'm going to jump.

I've come to learn over many years of chronic illness that the journey is full of humps that can be hard. My humps have been "looking for the magic cure," "cautiously living," "seeking symptom suppression," "existing from one doctor appointment to the next." I'm thankful these humps are infrequent but they are still hard to crawl over when they come up. What humps are you crawling over? What do we need to let Jesus carry us over?

A cheerful heart is the best medicine, and I have to bite the bullet and get out of the cycle of fear and cautious panic. It's easy to be living with low-grade discouragement and not realize it. But I've realized it and that I praise God for---because realizing it is the first step toward living in joy for today.

No matter what kind of pain it is- physical, emotional, spiritual- pain can intercept our hopes and plans- it can rearrange our dreams and always leaves a mark. We cannot change the circumstances but we can change our response.

Happiness is a feeling that depends on circumstances- our health can depend on somebody else- but we have a choice--- to have joy--- joy is an attitude that can triumph through our circumstances.

Biting the bullet to live in joy for TODAY! Lord Jesus, carry us in joy. AT

Merry Christmas

The heart of Christmas is for those who are shipwrecked- lost and in need of grace.  When I'm not feeling well I have heightened awareness of my shipwrecked state.   I pray that each day I reach that state for then I know I have a King and I am rescued.  I look up and see the star shining today and far into the future. Glory shines around this Christmas day!  "Fear not, said ye."   My troubled mind is seized by the King- by the Son who came  in the form of a baby who has conquered all evil.   "Glad tidings of great joy I bring to you and all mankind."  Peace be on earth, let the light be brilliant in our lives- for light always overtakes darkness.   Wise and happy my soul shall be and peace to goodwill.   Merry Christmas today, tomorrow, and all days to come, AT

The Wonder and Beauty of Life

I am struck today by an abundance of many wonderful and beautiful things in life. Throughout my journey I have found knowledge to be powerful. I have added some links that have helped me cope through gaining knowledge.

Today I have already realized how many simple things I love. I love the simple fact that I can dance to music every morning in my car and sing, even though I don't have a clue what most of the words are. I am grateful for the simple little phrases that humble me. This morning my dad asked me how many more papers I have to finish this semester (too many) and he replied as usual, "Is it a problem or opportunity?" I always say problem but chuckle at the same time. That chuckle represents me stepping into a position of humility to surrender my fears and pride. I am also in awe of the greater words like Proverbs 3:5-8, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not lean on your own understanding...this will bring health to your body and nourishment to you bones."

So in the simple and great, live, laugh, and love today. AT