The choice is clear but so hard to see. In the midst of a very hard week, I have not seen the choices in front of me. The fog of shock, fear, and utter frustration have made it difficult for me to see that my journey involves a choice each day. Each day as we journey through good and bad or easy and difficult, there is a choice. Most of us will choose to dance but first we have to see that there is a choice to be made. A choice to believe in hope, to have faith in the unseen. We have to make a choice to persevere in joy or to mourn in sadness or defeat. Regardless of how out of control life is, each day has a choice!
Today I chose to make it through today, not worrying about tomorrow but to have hope that I can do it. I did not start the day with this attitude but it came just in time. I chose to look up today when life had me down. I can live with a chronic disease that has stolen so many hopes and dreams. I can do it because I know it has given me more insight and empathy into the difficulties of life and to see how hope grows from suffering. Nothing is harder than living with a disease that continually challenges every day living in ways that are often invisible to those around me but I choose to dance. I am choosing not to fight it but to dance- at times the dance is a gentle ballet and at other times it is a fighting tango. I am choosing to live being okay with chronic disease because any other choice would be one of defeat. Defeat does not allow us to journey for today. This week I felt defeated- I became idol. I am choosing to dance. I am choosing to move with my body- I will move as slow as it needs to go but I will keep moving. I will keep dancing.
I cannot make choices for tomorrow because there are enough choices to make in each moment of today. Today I choose to be okay with my feelings of shock. I choose to be okay with frustration. I choose to be okay with these things because I know it is just today and tomorrow I will have the strength to be stronger. I have been given what I need for today- I can be as strong as I need to be today, and tomorrow I will be given a new strength. I cannot control my disease but I can control my choice to persevere. I can choose to be strong when my body is weak. I can choose to dance.
Choose strength. Dance your journey today. ~AT
P.S. For those of you who are curious what my burdens have been this week that inspire this post: About 3 weeks ago I started to develop a very painful rash. The rash led to inflammation in my hands and elbows, which caused my fingers to curl up and tingling from my elbow through finger tips. Throbbing pain! I have had a lot of fatigue in addition to migraines and a lot of dryness in my eyes and mouth. I also believe I had a seizure this week. The inflammation in my hands led to a biopsy, which shows a rare inflammatory process of cells invading healthy tissue that causes degeneration and atrophy. It is consistent with myositis or lupus. I usually do not share a lot about my physical problems on this blog but perhaps that helps clarify my predicament of having to choose. I spent much of the week feeling emotionally numb. In a sense my spirit had given up. Today, I was reminded that I CAN DO THIS. I have been given the strength I need to get through today. I cannot control the test results and more frustrating, I cannot control when nor how my symptoms will progress. I cannot control this pain-- I don't know how much longer this flare-up will last or what else it will stop me from doing. BUT I have chosen to share my emotions with those I love. I have chosen to take control over what I can control--- which is surrendering all to draw strength from my Lord Jesus. In tears he lifted and filled me. With Love, Anna
