Tomorrow is Many Todays

A benefit of the 20 some pills I am taking is that I am less tired; with the pills has also come some insomnia. Bad? Depends on the view. I was lying awake last night, and while I had many circling thoughts, one stuck. Tomorrow is really just many todays of the future. And today is really just many moments. What am I making of this moment? Am I honest within this moment and the moments that will make up today? If I am honest today, I will be honest for the todays that make up the future.

I have been blessed with many conversations with family and friends. I feel "One Love and the One Destiny." I have tried to forget about the sickness, and when I haven't been able to, I feel "so many right beside me." I have decided that one of the hardest parts of life is connecting with emotions and then expressing emotions when they are so raw. There have also been many moments in which I think I haven't simply just forgotton the sickness, but rather, I have embraced it.

What should be embraced today? What we choose to embrace today will be what we embrace for the todays to come.
 Dance to ONE LOVE. AT

The Wonder and Beauty of Life

I am struck today by an abundance of many wonderful and beautiful things in life. Throughout my journey I have found knowledge to be powerful. I have added some links that have helped me cope through gaining knowledge.

Today I have already realized how many simple things I love. I love the simple fact that I can dance to music every morning in my car and sing, even though I don't have a clue what most of the words are. I am grateful for the simple little phrases that humble me. This morning my dad asked me how many more papers I have to finish this semester (too many) and he replied as usual, "Is it a problem or opportunity?" I always say problem but chuckle at the same time. That chuckle represents me stepping into a position of humility to surrender my fears and pride. I am also in awe of the greater words like Proverbs 3:5-8, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not lean on your own understanding...this will bring health to your body and nourishment to you bones."

So in the simple and great, live, laugh, and love today. AT

Autoimmune Diagnosis

Since I was given the news that I seem to be developing systemic scleroderma, I have been surrounded by many loving, but sad, people. The resounding advice given to me has been to live for today. Although I whole heartedly agree, I have wondered what that looks like. How would my life, aside from my physical health, change if I learned to live for today? How does living for today look different from how I lived yesterday- before the bitter news hit?

I've spent years going to doctors and physical therapists, searching the internet and articles- all in hopes of knowing the cause of my many health ailments. Now I know- it's probably systemic scleroderma (www.scleroderma.org)- I have what I've wanted for years- a diagnosis- and now I feel so empty- scared- depressed- but I have also had moments where I know it's all okay. For now, they will keep it undifferentiated (UCTD) as it could overlap with other autoimmune diseases like lupus and Sjogren's disease.

Will it get easier? What will get easier and what will get harder? In what ways will my quality of life be diminished by disease? That's what I'm fearing right now- the unknown quality of life ahead of me. I suppose it could be a much better journey than I am imagining just 72 hours after being diagnosed- but right now my mind doesn't know how to imagine such good things.

This I do know: I have today and today is what it is. I know how I feel today and today I found ways to smile- I laughed- I felt love and I gave love. I have a bad disease- one that attacks your own body- I know this world is full of bad diseases but I know I have a God that prevails over evil disease. I know that today I know more about living for today than I knew yesterday. So this blog is a way for me to live for today. It will be a journey- but only a journey that unfolds a day at a time.

Thank you for journeying with me today. AT